Happy Sunday! This weekend, I had the pleasure of performing a story live at The Comedy Arena. If you happened to miss the event, no worries. The text of what I performed (for the most part) is below. Some of it was improvised in the moment because that’s just how my brain works. I didn’t record the performance, either, so I can’t remember what I improvised. It wasn’t much, but that’s the nature of live performances. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
Miles and Miles
I am a sucker for targeted advertisements. It’s something I know about myself and actively hate, but that I still can’t change. So when the Internet recently got wind that I was planning a camping trip to Big Sur in California, it took that as a checkered flag to immediately start trying to sell me stuff.
Targeted ads are like going shopping with a really excited but scatterbrained friend. It just starts listing stuff you may need.
Do you need a flashlight? For sure. What about a lantern? Absolutely. What about a head lantern? Did not know there is a difference, but sure, throw that one in there, too.
When the internet tried selling me a rain jacket, I was hesitant. Don’t get me wrong. It was a real nice jacket: nylon, bright teal, made by The North Face. I know that’s a fancy brand, but I don’t know what “The North Face” means. I figure it must be the scariest side of a mountain. I doubt you would you name your clothing company after the easiest part of a mountain. If you did, I would buy that jacket.
Nice as it was, I still hesitated because I already have a rain jacket. It’s hanging in my garage along with several jackets from the same collection. It’s been in the family for a long time, probably so long that at this point, you can call it an heirloom. There’s even a photograph of me at about eight years old, wearing this jacket, jumping on the trampoline in our backyard wearing a pair of shoes. Parenting in the ‘90s was off the wall. At the time, the jacket was huge on me. it came down to my knees and the hood covered my eyes like a druid robe.
Now, as a grown-up, it fits me like it should. It has all the features of The North Face jacket as well - mesh lining, hood with draw strings, pockets that zip.
Still, I can’t bring myself to wear it because of the tag on its chest. I think from far away most people wouldn’t recognize it, but up close, there’s no denying that red logo. Beneath the red in black text, it reads Marlboro Adventure Club.
Although I was too young to officially join as a member, I remember the Marlboro Adventure Club well. It hit its stride in the mid-to-late 1990s. Its membership hinged entirely on smoking cigarettes then redeeming the “miles” from each pack for prizes, courtesy of the fine folks at Phillip Morris. I didn’t keep any of my Adventure Club magazines from back then, but I scoped out eBay to see if I could get a copy. That’s where I learned there is whole section of the internet where people collect “Tobacciana” – memorabilia built around smoking. It’s like when you go into a person’s kitchen and they have way too much Coca Cola stuff all over the walls except with cigarettes.
The Tobaccianists came through for me. A few clicks on eBay, and for $4.99 plus shipping, I am now the proud owner of a 1997 edition of the Marlboro Adventure Club catalog.
If it weren’t for the surgeon general’s warning at the bottom of each spread, I would have though they mistakenly sent me an REI catalog. The first page shows the muscled arms and legs of a hiker conquering a near-inverse crag, with the text posing a challenge to readers: “It’s hot, rugged, and rough – take on the summer!” Both of the model’s hands are gripped on the rocks, so I could see there was no cigarette between his fingers, but the photo strategically cropped out his head. In theory, he could have been sucking on a 100 out of frame to give himself that push to go just a little higher.
A few pages over, a kayaker splashes through rough waters. Both hands are on the oar, his face is also cropped out. Maybe he had a menthol tucked behind his ear, ready to light up when he hit shore. The page declares: “You’re gonna get wet,” which read like a threat. Or I suppose a promise. It continued: “Take on the rivers!”
Again, this magazine was not produced by an energy drink company or protein powder manufacturer. When you see an ad for Gatorade that says, “Take on the summer” – your subconscious finishes the sentence with – “By drinking Gatorade.” Likewise, if you see “You’re gonna get wet” in an Under Armour Ad, you may think “But not with an Under Armour moisture wicking sports bra.”
But this was the Marlboro Adventure Club. It didn’t play by society’s rules. Over a photograph of a person riding a bicycle – again with both hands visible but their face out of frame, the Club boasts: “If it’s wide enough for 2 wheels, it’s a trail. Take on the trail!” I guess that means public sidewalks? It’s a trail. Moving sidewalk in the airport? It’s a trail. Escalators at a mall? It’s a trail!
There is a lot of fighting language in these pages. If I didn’t know any better, I would think cigarettes were laced with something that makes you want to fight nature. You suck down a few packs and you’ll want to punch a tree in the face or kick a babbling brook.
I have never smoked cigarettes, so I have never been jacked up enough to fight a bush, but I did get a LOT of merch from this catalog.
Each item has a price listed beside it in “miles.” Much like other companies who want you to spend money without doing math, Marlboro converted each pack of cigarettes to 5 miles and priced each item in the catalog in miles.
Rain jacket - the same one I have hanging. In my garage - 995 Miles.
Big Sky Bed – which is just an air mattress in Marlboro red - 1,650 Miles.
All leather hiking boots, probably used to kick a cloud - 2,100 Miles
Let me spare you the mental math – the boots cost 420 packs of cigarettes. The air mattress – 330. The rain jacket - 199.
Like I said, we got a lot of merch from this place – jean jacket, leather jacket, rain jacket, fleece jacket, beach towel, duffle bag, camping tent, full size acoustic guitar, and a 420x zoom Bushnell deep space telescope that I still have in my house to this day.
Even though I kept the telescope, this catalog is the real gem. Those mountains. Those biking trails. Those white waters that the models navigated with ease. But then seeing the prices of each outdoorsy item reminds me of what my dad had to navigate to get us there. His adventures weren’t as frivolous as over-packing for a trip to Big Sur. Or even a scary like fighting nature. It was the mortgage. Us kids. The jobs he didn’t particularly like that he still had to go to anyway. That’s what he navigated.
Since it was a collectors item, at least according to eBay, I left the Adventure Club jacket at home for our trip. As I added that North Face raincoat to my cart, I thought about all the things they try to sell us and how easily we buy them.
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That’s my performance piece! I thought it would be fun for you all to see/read how I write when I know it’s going to be performed out loud. I originally had a lot more stuff I wrote in an earlier draft about smoking and losing my dad, but I purposely left that out because an improv troupe performed a set in their show basedon what I said and I’m not a monster. I also tend to improvise while I am performing, so the next time I perform this, it’ll be different. In that sense, it’s still technically a draft.
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