Welcome to Sunday Morning Hot Tea where I write about a little something up top then answer a legal question for you down below. This week, coming to terms with my cult membership, and the likelihood of a Hallmark movie ending.
In this edition:
Topic of the Week – It's in the Cards
Legal Question – Absolute Hallmarky
Religious Phanatic
It's 9:30 AM on a Friday. I am lying in bed, phone in hand. I've been in this position for nearly two hours. By this time, I have caught up on celebrity gossip, scrolled Reddit and Twitter, and finished my daily Wordle (yeah, I’m one of those people). I have moved on to Instagram when I see a post that feels like a personal attack.
It is from a writer I deeply respect. Above the caption is a lovely photograph of a stack of books on a desk with a floral arrangement. The caption is a promise the writer has made to herself: the next time she finds herself mindlessly scrolling social media, she vows to pick up a book instead.
Oof.
I shut off my phone and burn with shame. I am a completely worthless bag of bones. I have just wasted - wasted - the entire morning online. I have lost at least an hour and a half that I will never get back. Sure, I am now caught up on the Kim/Ye feud and how Pete Davidson has been responding, but at what cost?
Wallowing in a never ending pool of ugh what is wrong with me?, I head for my Zen tarot deck. I don’t even shuffle the deck. I remember one of the cards that has made me feel better so many times in the past. Labeled “Guilt,” it shows a woman pulling her hair out with both hands, a pained expression on her face.
Hard relate.
I pull out the book and flip to the card’s description.
We all seek to be better - love more, be more aware, be more real to ourselves. But when we punish ourselves for our failures by feeling guilty, we can be locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness about ourselves and the circumstances we are in. You are absolutely okay as you are, and it is absolutely natural to go astray from time to time. Just learn from it, move on, and use those lessons not to make the same mistake again.
I feel better. Forgive myself a little. It's like this any time I get to feeling down. Grab the deck. Pull a card. Read the description. Feel better.
In early 2019, I found this deck, the perfect intersection of two of my interests - Zen and tarot. It’s not exactly based on the traditional tarot, but it has a “major arcana” and “minor arcana” with different suits and face cards. Each card correlates to a relevant Zen teaching. It is a great way to start the day with a bit of reflection on a Zen concept in a randomized fashion.
I set my routine and have hardly wavered. I think of an issue I’m having. I put my hands on the deck and concentrate. I shuffle the deck three times. Cut it three times. Pull a card. Read the accompanying description. Then I write in my notebook about the concept and how it relates to me and my problem.
For three solid years now, this has worked for me. I have recommended this deck to friends and family. I’ve written about it here and talked about it on the show. If I’m feeling particularly frustrated about something, I’ll go pull a card and meditate on the concept.
I’ll be the first to admit, none of the advice is particularly groundbreaking, but the concepts on the cards dovetail with the other books I’ve read on the subject. My first foray into Zen was Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. Then I moved on to stuff by Cheri Huber and Bernie Glassman. That’s the extent of my study - read about it, journal about it, try to remember to put it into practice in my everyday life.
The deck is just another way to keep up with my daily practice. One of the cards, for instance, is labeled “Courage.” The image is a daisy growing up out of a crack in some stone. The accompanying write-up says, in part:
When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenges and grow.
The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing can be guaranteed.
There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.
The same is the path for Man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.
Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, right? Well, it does for me at least.
After reading the Guilt card, I feel better immediately. When I'm in the shame spiral like the one I'm in from wasting all this time on social media, I turn to the deck. It’s salve for my soul.
Grateful for the thoughtful, helpful words that have shaken me from my self-flagellating freak out, I decide to Google the author. In all these years, I have never stopped to wonder who compiled these Zen teachings for me into one convenient deck.
I take out my laptop and type in the name printed on the deck's guidebook.
No.
No, no, no, no no.
I see his face. I recognize his name — his old name, the one before he changed it to what is printed on the book.
Osho, formerly known as Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. Of the Rajneesh movement. From the Netflix series Wild, Wild Country.
My stomach drops.
I have accidentally been following a cult leader for the past three years.
I never watched the Netflix series, but a quick skim of his Wikipedia page paints a grim picture: rigging elections, poisoning salad bars, attempting to murder U.S. attorneys.
Like I said, this deck is not my only source of spirituality. But it is something I use a lot. A lot a lot. Why does it have to be written by this guy?
I am torn. Do I throw away the deck? It has helped me so many times over the past three years. I have yet to pull a card instructing me to try and murder an elected official or rig a municipal election. If there’s a “poison all your local salad bars” card, it hasn’t popped up in my shuffling.
In an effort to understand my teacher, I have since watched the series on Netflix. It’s one of the more popular true crime shows released in the past few years, but it has somehow slipped past my radar.
Produced by the Duplass brothers, it details the journey of the Rajneesh followers into Oregon. The Wikipedia page was not wrong. They took over a small town, faced some violent pushback, and in retaliation, started poisoning nearby residents. They even planned to kill the region’s U.S. attorney. The move toward violence was allegedly helmed by one of the leader’s most ardent followers, Sheela.
Formerly known as Rajneesh, the leader eventually started going by Osho, the “author” of this book.
Once I watched the full series, I felt a little better. But only a little. Osho, for his part, always claimed Sheela was the one spearheading the violence. He said he had nothing to do with it.
Not surprisingly, Sheela claimed they collaborated on it all. She ended up pleading guilty to the crimes and serving time in federal prison before moving to Switzerland. Osho was deported after accepting an Alford plea, in which he maintained his innocence but conceded that there was sufficient evidence that a judge or jury may find him guilty.
Osho eventually died of heart failure in India in 1990. The Osho materials I have - the tarot deck and accompanying guidebook - were published in 1994. Leftover followers took over the Osho Foundation and began publishing things in his name. Someone cobbled together bits and pieces of his teachings, formed them into a deck, and created the accompanying book.
I am not sure if this information makes it better or worse.
After finishing the series, I was relieved at one realization. For all the comfort I’ve gleaned from the deck, I’m never going to become a true follower of this movement. First of all, I would absolutely die before living in a commune with other people. I couldn’t hack it in a church camp bunk for two weeks. There is no way I’m going to live with people who chant while being voluntold to do outdoor manual labor.
Plus, their whole deal was wearing red robes and renouncing worldly possessions. I look absolutely terrible in red, and you will pry my iPhone from my cold, dead hands. Biggest deal breaker - poisoning the salad bar. I am from Mesquite, Texas. Salad bars and buffets are absolutely sacred. Messing with the ranch at the Golden Corral is a the worst thing a person could do. Folks should be able to scoop their mushy mac and cheese with reckless abandon and face only the usual danger they willingly undertake that comes along with choosing to eat at the GC.
Feeling defeated by the new knowledge of my former guru, I put away my Osho deck. I reach for a new one: my Philly deck. I shuffle the cards three times. Cut the stack three times. I pull the top card.
The Fool.
It’s a beautiful illustration of the Philly Phanatic. The corresponding booklet reads:
Chaos, New Beginnings
This silly monster is unaware of how foolish he can look, perched wildly on top of a flooded Citizens Bank Park in the blazing sun. Embrace the parts of yourself that are full of blissful ignorance, fresh starts, and idiotic mirth, and you will thrive as a true Philadelphian.
I don't think I'll ever be a true Philadelphia — too much snow and too many Eagles fans — but the rest of the card sure fits.
I now know the awful truth about my Zen cards. It doesn’t change my view of Natalie Goldberg or Cheri Huber or Bernie Glassman or any of the other Zen books I have. But this discovery gives me pause. Makes me think about whose interpretation I’ll follow going forward. Where I’ll source my comfort from, how I’ll see my problems.
At least I know the Philly Phanatic won’t let me down. He’d never poison a salad bar or break federal laws.
Yeah, maybe he got into a fistfight with Tommy Lasorda, but that was self-defense.
The lesson then, I suppose, is that no leader is wholly infallible. Not even the Philly Phanatic.
Silly monster, indeed.
Knowing what I know now, I have no choice but carry on. To pull a new card. To remain unaware of how foolish I can look. To wholly embrace the parts of myself that are full of blissful ignorance, fresh starts, and idiotic mirth.
***
QUESTION FROM YOU
This question comes from Michele L., who asks:
In light of the endless Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movies I've seen (they started doing Halloween week and I cannot stop watching; send help) where a lovely American lady meets and is swept off her feet by a handsome Prince/King/Earl/whatever from a nondescript, vaguely British-esque country no one has ever heard of before - here is my question:
What, if any, legal hurdles would there be to relocating to a foreign nation and marrying into the ruling family of said nation?
Say I meet Prince Charisma from Moldivitinia, could I, a lawyer barred in the state of NJ, transfer any certifications to work in a legal capacity there to help the local children's center remain open? Could his evil queen mother have me deported and or thrown in prison for accidentally knocking over and denting that Medieval suit of armor while practicing my curtsey? Or is it all happily ever after? Thanks!
Great question, Michele! I chose this question because I'm in a particularly Hallmark-y mood. This week on Thursday, February 10 at 8PM CT, Christie and I are going to roast a Hallmark Valentine’s Day movie for you live on CrowdCast. Neither of us have seen it. We’re going to throw it on screen, let the saccharine sweet plot wash over us, and holler out our observations. Join us by registering here and check out the replay of the one we did for Christmas by clicking here.
On to the question…
What, if any, legal hurdles would there be to relocating to a foreign nation and marrying into the ruling family of said nation?
For starters, there shouldn't be any legal hurdles if you have the blessing of the ruling family. If they truly are in charge (as they are many times in these movies - stuff like Constitutions and Parliaments and Prime Minsters are boring!!!), then by the wave of Her Majesty's hand, you'd be golden. No paperwork, no red tape.
In an absolute monarchy, like Saudi Arabia for instance, the ruling family, well, rules. Sure, there are laws that they follow called the Basic Law of Saudi Arabia, but everybody serves at the pleasure of the royal family. Anyone with authority is appointed by the royal family and can be un-appointed just the same.
So once you fall in love with the Prince of Moldivitinia, assuming that Moldivitinia is an absolute monarchy, the family can square away any red tape you may run into. If, on the other hand, Moldivitinia is a constitutional monarchy, the royal family’s authority to make your immigration easy would be subject to the rules as outlined in the Moldivitinian constitution.
Say I meet Prince Charisma from Moldivitinia, could I, a lawyer barred in the state of NJ, transfer any certifications to work in a legal capacity there to help the local children's center remain open?
When I did a study abroad program in law school to the Cayman Islands, I was verrrrry interested in how a law license may transfer over to a foreign jurisdiction. When I looked into it, I became verrrrry disappointed.
Turns out, you must have practiced in a Commonwealth jurisdiction for over three years to qualify for transfer. Those include the UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. I noticed Texas was not on that list. Boooo!
The laws of reciprocity vary by jurisdiction. For instance, to transfer your foreign law license to practice in England and Wales, you need to fill out an application and submit it to the Bar Standards Board (BSB). This application provides evidence of your academic and professional qualifications. You have to jump through several hoops and provide evidence of your good character and repute, your academic transcripts, and any representations you are relying on to be admitted. You also have to pass the Bar Transfer Test if what you learned in law school and what you have experienced in practice differ substantially from what is covered by the education and training provided in England and Wales.
But that’s a bunch of rules for a stick-in-the-mud constitutional monarchy. The absolute monarchy of Moldivitinia has laws, sure, but those laws are subject to the whims of the royal family aka your new in-laws. With the wave of a wand or the cross of a sword, your license transfers and you can help as many children's centers stay open as your heart desires.
Could his evil queen mother have me deported and/or thrown in prison for accidentally knocking over and denting that Medieval suit of armor while practicing my curtsey?
I feel you on the knocking over and denting a Medieval suit of armor. I knock over stuff all the time, so I'd be on the Moldivitinian chopping block if I hooked up with Prince Charisma and that was a jailable offense.
In short, yes, she could definitely deport you for whatever reason she wanted, assuming Moldivitinia is an absolute monarchy.
As for jailing you? Also probably yes. I’m not sure whether Moldivitinia has signed on any human rights treaties. Regardless, in the view of the United Nations, all countries are subject to the International Criminal Court. Set up in 2002, the ICC normally tries lower level individuals responsible for very serious crimes like genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression.
Even though she is the Queen of Moldivitinia, she's not completely immune from punishment. Many leaders and former leaders have also been prosecuted and convicted by international courts for those kinds of serious crimes listed above, including leaders from Liberia, Rwanda, Serbia, and Sudan.
Locking you up for denting a suit doesn't quite fit the definition of any of those serious crimes per the definitions laid out by the UN/ICC. However, a widespread media campaign may pressure her to release you, so just make sure someone you love with access to social media knows your whereabouts so they can start the Change.org petition asking her to let you go.
Or is it all happily ever after?
In a Hallmark movie? Always.
Thanks for asking!
Got a question? Submit it here. They can be legal what-if questions, questions on current events, or questions about the legality of actions in TV shows or movies you’ve seen. I never ever want to answer your personal legal questions, so don't send those. Love you, but I don’t do that.
Until next week, that’s the tea, and there’s no ending happier than a Hallmark movie.
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